Thursday 30 November 2017


taken from own phone, some time ago

一昨日 は 難しい でしたね。

two days ago was a hard day.

i woke up early, then i went to mosque to conduct fajr prayer as usual. there's something big this week. there would be something or some announcement from the national nuclear energy agency about new employment in the bureau, as a civil employee, obviously.
i took a bath at 7 and went to my office. i was still feeling pretty tired after having test in cilegon two days earlier. i checked their website on the morning. nope.
at the noon, a friend texted me. "it will be announced today. just wait." he said. "the info is from a friend of a friend." he added.
so it happened then. i opened the website, again. the announcement had been uploaded. i downloaded the file, then opened it.
some days before that announcement, i had called my mom. "mom, i am optimistic. the interview went good."
scrolling and scrolling
i couldn't find my name.
i was a little bit shocked. i sat down and tried to understand the situation.
ok, i failed. there are 3 persons accepted for the position i applied. and i was on the fourth position. almost is never enough, anyway.
and to make it worse, the point difference to that of the last position was only 0.5. yeah, point five.
so i texted my mom, "mom, i fail. i don't get the job. the score of the interview was good, the worst of it was the score of psychological test."
she immediately called me, saying it is alright. don't be down because of it. try again next time. try other chances.
soon i think about some plans that should be postponed. one plan for example, proposing a girl i like (note it. like, not love. i think there is a distinct difference between them). hehehe
. . .
the next day, which was yesterday morning. after conducting fajr prayer, mom called again. "you should do the psychotest this way instead.... blah blah blah."
"mom, come on. it had passed. nothing i can change. please let it go. the next time i get another change, i will do better."
. . .

talking of failure and rejection, from several fields, i may have experienced them several times. the time some companies reject my application due to unsuitability of my major to the position(s) they offer, the time university or scholarships committee reject me, the time she rejects me (or they reject me to be precise, or they ignore me to be more precise) because i am (err i don't know) out of their league(?) and so on. to conclude, i am kinda getting used to rejection(s).
somehow, this kind of rejection is different. i have told my mom i was optimistic. she was really happy to hear that. but then reality says otherwise. i soon learn that optimism isn't enough. there will always be an x-factor on every phenomenon.

from this failure i have learned some lessons.
  first, never celebrate thing you haven't got. although it seems like everything was as planned, and you can control the situation. no. you can't. hold yourself from over celebration.
  second, optimism is good, but sometimes to make yourself less disappointed, you should give room for another (or even opposite) possibility. i remember a few hours before the announcement i wrote on my whatsapp status update "hope for the best, prepare for the worst." and it works, like, a little bit. some people even plans for the worst. so whatever the final is, they will be ready. i don't know which suits you, but each person is unique on facing different situation.
  third, there will always be an x-factor. some people call it luck, while the others call it "God's will", rizki, etc. remember, that choice has its own consequences. our role is just to struggle, the final result sometimes 100% depends on that x-factor.

do i get upset and disappointed due to this failure? i guess i do, but disappointment changes nothing, doesn't it?
i think that behind this failure there is an x-factor that i will get lucky in other change. perhaps. like, employment from the bureau next year, or research student 2019 from mext scholarships which i failed some months ago, or anything else? i don't know.
i will not lose hope and keep struggling, of course.


karawang, 30 nov 2017
[expectation kills you]

p.s. my japanese has upgraded from 
『私 は アナス です。 私 は 会社員 です。』
『私 は 毎朝 4時 に 起きます。 私 は 先週 電車 で Jakarta へ 行きました。』
hehehe hehehe hehehe

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